Hi, my name is Jess. I’m a mom to four kids and a recovering perfectionist who has the terrible habit of running herself into the ground on the holidays (just for fun). I’m the self-appointed Christmas magic ambassador and admittedly a little bit delusional about what one human being can accomplish (and control) with a wild household that is currently already underfoot (yay, winter break), a sick dog, a list of deadlines, and mood swings that have caused me to start googling “Do perimenopausal hormones make you feel like your emotions are being launched into outer space?”
I don’t know what chaos has chosen to wrap itself in a pretty box under your roof (uninvited) this holiday season, but I’m very sure it’s there. Good news: We can’t control everything, but we can control what we choose to hold on to, and what we choose to let go of.
Related: Ms. Rachel has a reminder for moms everywhere: ‘Perfection in parenting does not exist’
I promise you that you (and your family) don’t need a perfect holiday season and, umm, it’s not even possible anyway, so let’s mutually agree to light some ill-fitting expectations on fire along with our favorite pine, gingerbread, cinnamon, and fireplace-smelling candles. My goals this December are more candles and fewer nervous breakdowns; feel free to join me.
Step #1: Let go of having the “perfect” holiday.
This truly ridiculous goal sneaks up on me—it really does. I love creating holiday magic (and I thrive doing it), but there’s a fine line between warm nostalgia and the soul-crushing weight of expectations (both real and imagined) that it can become. So, let’s start by just letting it go (even if we know it’s easier said than done).
Step #2: Let go of doing it all alone.
If you’re like me, you have an ongoing list in your mind that never gets shorter, just longer. Take the list to an actual page, cross out the ones that need to go, and delegate some things. Yes, they probably won’t do it exactly how you would; let that go, too.
Step #3: Let go of control and surrender to these days, whatever they may bring.
One year, my husband had strep. Another year, I was gifted a debilitating case of pneumonia that left me bedridden all holiday long. Most of us have experienced the stomach flu for Christmas at least once when the family sick bowl becomes a permanent fixture beneath the tree. I don’t wish to relive any of those experiences, nor do I want to wish them on you. However, it’s a good reminder that the control I have is zero when it comes down to it, and when I look back on the year that I couldn’t lift myself off the couch, I mostly (still) remember the way my kids looked in their footed pajamas and the way they lit up opening that one special present. Let go of control because we never had it anyway.
Step #4: Let go of what people “might” think.
Yeah, I mean the relatives you’re going to visit or the family members that are coming your way. We often travel home for the holidays and see many people we might not have seen for a year. I don’t know about you, but I’ve become a whole year older since last year and I find myself panicking a little before we hit the road and thinking incredibly helpful things like: I should really hit the gym and squeeze back into those jeans before I see everyone. No, I shouldn’t. No, you shouldn’t. Let’s light the jeans on fire (figuratively) along with our list to let go of and those sweet-smelling candles.
Step #5: Let go of comparison.
Sometimes I stumble across someone else’s holiday to-do list and I have a full on anxiety attack. Some people are truly wired (and have the lifestyle that permits them) to go all in on the holidays, and that’s great. I’m not throwing shade, but let’s collectively agree to stay in our own lanes. If it’s making you feel crappy to see other people’s highlight reels (let’s remember no one is having a perfect time, okay?), it’s okay to mute pages and accounts that make you feel like you’re failing this season.
Step #6: Let go of all that self-improvement stuff spinning in your mind like it always does this time of year.
It might be just me, but when I’m overwhelmed, I like to give myself a helping hand by inviting anxiety to remind me of every other thing in my life I could improve. If you want to make some New Year’s resolutions this year, great, but today is not that day, and personally, I’m pretty committed to “un-resolutions” anyway (feel free to join me in that, too: “New Year, new me, same me, but I’m going to love her better than ever”).
Related: Not going anywhere on Christmas Day is the best gift I ever gave myself as a mom
Step #7: Let go of people-pleasing.
You might have to say no to some things. It’s okay. Give yourself permission to say thank you so much, but we can’t do it this year. Ask yourself: What matters to you? What matters to your family? Saying yes to some things means saying no to others (if we want to keep our joy intact). If you want to go to that party, do it. If it means stretching yourself too thin (and you know it), don’t. The same goes for everything vying for a spot on your list.
Step #8: Let go of the expectations to get your kids the thing everyone else is getting.
As parents, we are the gatekeepers of our families. Is it not the time for your kids to have a phone/tablet/gaming system? Stand your ground. Is it unrealistic for them to have that expensive thing on their list that they told you “everyone” else is getting? Is it unrealistic to get one bazillion things for each kid, even though families you know do that? It’s not making a statement about what anyone else is doing (they’re the gatekeepers for their families); it’s about trusting your gut for what’s right for you. It’s okay, I promise it’s okay. Yes, they might be disappointed, but it’s not about “getting,” is it? And it’s our job to teach them that too.
Step #9: Let go of staying silent on something you want or need this season.
The gift for me is truly so much more than “getting something”. The biggest gift is watching my kid’s faces light up when they run into the living room. I truly think I’m more excited than they are for that moment and I’m sure a lot of us feel that way, BUT, sometimes I’d like a little something too. If you have a partner and you kinda wish they would put a few things in your stocking (and they usually don’t) or there’s something you’d really love this year: say something. Let’s let go of any preconceived ideas that it means more if we don’t ask. It’s okay to ask. It’s okay to send links. It’s okay to gently remind them. You matter, and if you’re okay with buying yourself a few things to slip under the tree, that’s a great option too. My husband and I make a plan ahead of time, sometimes we don’t do anything, sometimes we do something little, sometimes we buy something for each other that we both really want. Communication is key for avoiding hurt feelings, AND remember whatever happens, your worth and value couldn’t possibly be measured by a gift or stocking stuffer anyway. You’re amazing, even if they forget.
Step #10: Lastly, and very importantly: let go of the last minute Target run, (or in my case, the closest CVS).
Yes, you got enough. Yes, it’s okay if the gifts are a little uneven. Yes, it’s okay if those stockings aren’t overflowing.
Listen friends,
It’s about being together, it really is. It’s about holding these moments tenderly and treasuring them in our hearts, because even if absolutely everything goes wrong these holidays, this is the only year we get these kids in this size and we will look back on it fondly.
We’re not going to do it all—but you’re going to do some of it, and that is enough.
Here’s to lowering expectations and embracing ourselves (and each other as we are).
Jess Johnston is a best-selling author whose new book Perfect is Boring (And Tastes Like Kale) is releasing in February 2025 with Convergent Books (an imprint of Random House).
